Queer activism in Iran and in the Iranian diaspora

Interview with Saghi Ghahraman

We had the immense pleasure to interview Saghi Ghahraman between the summer and autumn 2022 about her trajectory and activities as a poet, queer activist and . As she defines herself in her blog (https://saqighahraman.wordpress.com/)  Saghi Ghahraman “is ‘a counterrevolutionary figure known for promoting immoral issues’, according to an Iranian Ministry of Culture official, 2007. She fled her native Iran after being arrested for working with a communist organization’s women’s branch. She has been living in exile in Canada for since December 1987, and is devoted to providing a voice for the Iranian gay, lesbian, and Transsexual community. To this end, she co-founded the IRQO (Iranian Queer Organization) and acted until 2019 as the president of the organization at Which Point She Voluntarily Demolished IRQO within Canadian laws for NGOs. She also chief-edited the journal Cheraq (www.cheraq.org), IRQO’s online monthly magazine and coordinates Gilgamishaan Publications (www.gilgamishaan.com).

 

Note: Saghi Ghahraman has “intentionally used terms that are consistent with their time to provide a clearer image of the past and the road we’ve taken to get to this point, where non-binary people have taken the lead in the Iranian LGBTIA community”. 

 

The text between brackets has been added by the interviewers for contextualisation needs.

 

  1. Could you tell us about biographic trajectory?

In Iran before and during the 1979 revolution, as a young citizen and an activist (perhaps revolutionary and leftist).

I was born and raised in a clan descended from the Qajar dynasty, concerned with politics and political dilemmas, deeply familiar and exposed to corruption, oppression, and abuse of power. Growing up, I was well-educated in classic and modern literature that addressed the politics of their respective periods. A few of my extended family members were either imprisoned or exiled for opposing Pahlavi’s regime. As a teenager, I was aware but not actively involved. On top of it all, my uncle was employed in SAVAK, Iran’s Intelligence & Security Agency, exposing us to insider tales of interrogations, tortures, and such. My father, a high-rank officer in the Army, opposed the Shah’s regime and widespread abuse of power. In high school, I composed essays and fiction, and stealthily wrote slogans of protest on blackboards! The fear of the Shah’s agents was overwhelming in high school but during this time my focus was on writing essays, poetry, and fiction. It was in university and after the revolution when I joined a political party and started working steadily towards the cause. I worked with the Tudeh Party of Iran, and its Women’s Organization until I fled Iran [in 1984].

After the 1979 Revolution and as an Iranian exiled person: your life as an activist among other activists and other exiled Iranians?

I joined the Tudeh Party of Iran during the Cultural Revolution in universities when all the students and educators were sent home for over two years [between 1980–1983] . By then I was convinced that the revolution itself was the next problem one must fight with. But the power imbalance between horrified masses and the leading group that had assumed power was shocking. The Tudeh Party of Iran – a communist party with a long history in Iran’s politics and literature, and with strong ties with then-USSR – and its leadership that had returned from exile, seemed a tolerant and steady path to fight the wrongs the leading group and the obscure governing kept committing.

My involvement was with the party’s Women Organization. We went door to door, during times when only women and children were at home and engaged them in conversations about the challenges of married life, literacy, news, voting, the ongoing war with Iraq, and such. In higher-level circles of the Women’s Organization of the Tudeh, members read and discussed books, articles, critiques, and current events. We were not allowed to discuss politics! Members weren’t supposed to have opinions other than what was published and distributed weekly. This was the case for all activists working with any groups in those years. That was how groups controlled and led the vast number of members who joined them. It seemed logical. But also suffocating. There’s this false image of activists and political activism during those years that almost no one cares to clarify. There was nothing glorifying about it. Nothing open-minded and tolerant about it, and the reason was that generations of Iranians were thrown from one failed social movement into another one in the late 19th century. Even though Iran was never named officially a colony, colonial politics ruled, and collective efforts of groups were aborted and manipulated by Russia, Britain, and then America. My generation grew up under a Coup regime and arrived in an engineered revolution. None of us, as a society, had any education and training in either politics or activism. The history of activism before the revolution, and for the first decade afterwards, consisted of hush-hush, badly translated ideas and books, underground militia bravery, isolation, jail, torture, and execution. Nothing can move people from financial and cultural poverty into a life where one is aware of being alive and thriving as a simple human being. My comrades, mostly, lost their lives in jail, or got out and lived with trauma either in Iran or in Diaspora. The idea of social activism in Iran replacing political activism has come around in the past two decades. Still new, but it is promising. A big change from what we used to have.

… and with other exiled Iranians ?

With other exiles in Canada, it was a completely different ground, a different battlefield. In Canada, I freed myself from anything that could bar my way or slow my pace. While anything I would do in Turkey would mean a futile death for myself and my family, any form of death in Canada would be a part of my chosen activism. Soon after arriving in Toronto, I was working fiercely with a group of Tudeh Party and its Women Organization in exile, I was observing the Communist Party of Canada, observing institutions of thought and how all of them stripped me from my own identity, and I just gave up and started a wild war against traditions that directly and effectively challenged my identity and self the way I remembered myself. My opponents were the other exiles in Canada, all Iranians in Diaspora, and eventually, anyone who read and heard and met me. At this stage, I was faced with threats, death threats, attacks, insults, isolation, and more, both by my husband at home, and other Iranians out there. I separated from my husband a year after arriving in Toronto and divorced him the next year. My children suffered because of my reputation throughout childhood and youth. For them, it was constant trauma everywhere they were. It was between 1990 to 1995 when I introduced one issue after another that was taboo within the culture, such as marital rape, gender identity, same-sex attraction, open relationships, and the unveiling of words and images that were considered indecent in my poetry and fiction. It was like bombarding society and culture every step I took. The community responded with rage, fear, hate, but also with awe, and love for the figure I was. At that time, many political activists and literary groups in Diaspora shunned me, and yet others cherished me, wanted to include me, own my name. I never allowed that. I must add that not everyone in Diaspora were exiles. Exiles were a small number, while most of the Diaspora were immigrants who were not persecuted and forced to leave, thus their mental health, relations with back home, and financial possibilities were very different from the condition of exiles.

What was it like to be a queer (and eventually a queer activist) then (if you identified as queer before or during the revolution)? What relationship can you describe between your gender/sexual identification and political activism? Also, how did this relationship evolve since the 1980s?

We are talking about Iran in the 60s and 70s. I knew about “homosexuality”, same-sex attraction, gay figures, and family friends who were gay, or lesbian. But it was mostly whispered, and hushed information. I couldn’t talk about it out loud or discuss the topic. I knew I was different, but I wasn’t completely clear about it, didn’t have a name for it. I was always considered odd among relatives, in school, among friends, but not queer – the term wasn’t known in Iran back then.  So, being odd only meant that I would be a loner, but respected. It meant that others would look up to me, and listen to me, but not get very friendly. I can say it had its benefits. My gender identity helped me have a much more sensitive undersigning of normalized gender segregation, literary characterization of female identity, and The Tudeh Party’s misogynistic view of women. It saved me from falling into the pits of Women’s Rights, for example. Still, all these were not very known to me rhetorically. I acted on instinct more than information.

When I arrived in Canada in December of 1987, I immediately started working with a branch of the Tudeh Party in exile, reading material in English, writing about my own vague understanding of my gender identity and sexual orientation, exploring life, mothering my kids, and investigating how to safely get a divorce. I was still carrying the fears the IRI, and my husband had instilled in me around divorce. I am extremely grateful for my gender identity during those early years I came to Canada. It was my guiding light. It was my own private mentor. It was because of my gender identity, that I could see things, wrong, and right, that other in the community saw only two decades later. In the beginning, in Canada, the Iranian community and locals thought of me as an extremely modern woman. Though as it turned out, a few years later, I was not modern. I was Queer. My interpretation of things was different.

  1. Exile and the Iranian diaspora

Like many Iranians who have been leaving Iran since the 80s, you had to endure a long journey. Before arriving in Canada, you spend many years in Turkey. Could you talk about your experiences there?

It was the year 1984. A very different time in Iran compared to what the young generation recalls. Cultural cleansing was viciously at work. The regime issued absolute travel bans and shut down all borders. No airplanes, buses, trains, or ships left Iran’s premises. It was at a time when a huge number of persecuted persons fled illegally and risked their lives. My husband, baby, and I were among them. We left through the mountains of Iran’s north-western border with Turkey.

It was also a difficult time for Turkey. Martial Law was in effect. The Turkish police were vicious and suspicious, and citizens were still in shock, albeit on a much lesser scale compared to what was happening to the people of Iran. For many refugees, arriving in Turkey meant freedom from the regime. For me, it was entering a very brutal domestic imprisonment that lasted until we arrived in Canada 5 years later. My husband first threatened me when we were halfway up the first of five mountains before crossing into Turkish soil. He said: you’ve been gambling with both our families’ lives. If you take one wrong step from here on, I will personally take you back to Iran and hand you over to [Iran’s] border police. I had reason to believe he would do just that – I had agreed to leave Iran with him out of fear that he would report me before I escaped. He made that threat on several occasions during our stay in Turkey. The second time he threatened me was a year into our stay when I said I have decided to divorce him. He said if I mentioned the word again, he would have someone murder my parents in Iran, and take a photo of their slain bodies for me to see. Again, I had reason to believe he would do what he said.

Aside from that, both of us had to hide many details from the Turkish police otherwise we would be deported. Refugees had no protection in those years especially those of us with connections to communist groups, or Kurds. I was a member of a communist party; he was a Kurd, raised in the mountains with family members who led the fight against the regime and ruled regional mountains in the Bani Sadr’s era. We used to hide many details from our neighbours. Residents in every neighbourhood were instructed by police to keep an eye on refugees living on their block. Our personal letters were delivered in opened envelopes, our phone was tapped. There was no way to connect with other activists even if I was not under the same roof with a mentally and emotionally abusive husband. Comrades would pass by each other with blank faces. On one occasion I met a cell member whom my husband invited to have supper with us in a café. We both pretended we didn’t know each other. So, to answer the question, I had no connection with any other activists while in Turkey.

This is an example of the lives many women refugees had in those years in Turkey. There were no laws to protect us. There was nothing our families could do from across the border. We could be abused, killed, or disappeared and no one would be able to find a trace of us. I was extremely afraid of my husband at the time. My mental and physical strength was spent on keeping my children – I gave birth to my daughter while in Turkey – and myself safe until we left that country.

What was it like in Canada?

We arrived in Toronto, Canada in December 1987. I started working with the Tudeh Party and its Women Organization from day 1. At the same time, I looked for ways to get a divorce. Again, my husband threatened to kidnap my kids and take them back to Iran if I mentioned divorce. I had already checked with lawyers and police who said he could, as the children’s father. Several Iranian men kidnapped their kids and went back to Iran as they couldn’t stand their suddenly empowered wives in the western culture and workforce. So, again, I believed he would do it if I pushed for divorce. But in Canada, I didn’t feel as vulnerable as I did in Turkey. I threatened back. The procedure took over two years, and I got my independence back. I left the Party and the Women’s Organization at the same time. Their agenda for Women’s Rights and Freedom was just a meek parody of anything resembling rights and freedom.

I was writing again at that point, after about 10 years, and was confident my poetry and fiction would be a strong force against the vileness of my culture and its taboos.

The Iranian community in Toronto, and in Diaspora in general was a young one, and not as large in those days. Refugees in Canada and Europe consisted of members or affiliates of political groups who fled Iran when each group came under attack and lost legitimacy. Most of these various Marxist groups were fanatics in their political beliefs. Men didn’t believe in women’s freedom, were afraid of the western lifestyle, and were lost without their political leaders. Most of them suffered traumas when in hiding or in jail. Their social status was suddenly reduced to none. Employment was another disappointment since they didn’t qualify for office work at the levels they were used to. They loved to have meetings and discussions about the cause and engage in long, futile conversations. Women had a completely different approach. They relied on their leftist background as inspiration and looked at adult education and the job market to better integrate with their host country and the many benefits for newcomer women and children – as it seemed so back then.

Iranians in exile or in Diaspora built everything from scratch. The first Farsi radio programs, first Farsi monthly magazines, Farsi Sunday Schools, social meetings, literary programs. The community was trying to cope with trauma. Many committed suicides. Many were admitted to mental institutions and never came out. Many faced charges and stayed in prison for years. Many husbands were indicted for domestic assaults, many children were given to foster homes. It was chaos back then. Contrary to what many might assume, belonging to the leftist camp didn’t mean the person is educated, open-minded, and tolerant. I can even say that those who had no leftist background were much more open to the idea of freedom, equality, and tolerance. It was within and against this community in Canada, the US, and Europe that I began my fight and for the next 10 years I was fighting a real war with the Iranian community in Diaspora. My ideas were shocking to this audience. I would constantly attack every aspect of the system and faced the expected consequences. The topic of marital rape, gender equality, open relationships, and motherhood without patriarchal obligations were some of the issues I brought up and fought for at a time when many Iranian women in literary circles denied that females can receive sexual pleasure. Canadian laws and institutions served as a friend to me. Saved for a tiny group of Iranian women, I had no friends nor a friendly environment between 1990 to 2008 when political differences and the Iranian Queer Organization’s (IRQO) [she created in 2009] put more distance between myself and the non-LGBTIAQ Iranians. But interestingly, I have been loved and respected as a controversial figure all along. I published 4 collections of poetry and a collection of fiction, blogged, and wrote on social media about gender identity and sexual orientation. I published photographs of my body in nude and BDSM poses, and during menstruation. The community in Canada stopped looking at me as a member of the community, but as a detached poet and activist. I can say that my words reached Iran more than they did the folks in Diaspora.

Why did you create IRQO (The Iranian Queer Organisation) there, and what problems did you encounter?

IRQO was created in Canada simply because it wasn’t possible to create and maintain an organization of that nature and calibre in Iran. It was created in Canada because the founding members resided in Canada. I believe the more important question is why it was created to begin with, for which I’ll need to provide some backstory. Prior to the year 2000, Gay and Transgender Women in Iran had a vast online coming-out that started in “Yahoo Rooms”. In 2000, blogging was introduced in Iran through Hossein Derakhshan and became the main virtual space for gay men and Transgender Women who used it to interact, connect, exchange information, and provide support. In those years lesbian and trans men, and more so bisexual and intersex people, had less presence. Lesbians and Trans Men caught up shortly after, followed by bisexuals. Intersex individuals didn’t use the online space to come out. In 2007, when we decided to create IRQO, there was already a very active and influential cyber-community of LGBTAIQ and their leading figures who were outspoken in their online comments, posts, and exchanges. They created waves for issues that were important to their group. For example, when Persian Blogs – a blog space provider – shut down all LGBT weblogs for indecency, gay bloggers wrote an open letter and protested, forcing the provider to reopen their blogs within a week. Trans Women also made waves and were a force against sex-reassignment surgeons who provided risky procedures.

Despite their force, this community of bloggers was extremely vulnerable, and the regime could, at any time, either remove their online venues, or physically kidnap, arrest, or blackmail them into silence. No one would know, and no one would care. The unofficial reports of the murder of gay and Trans Women were horrifying. I believed that it was crucial for them to have connections with the outside world, media, and human rights organizations, and to get reliable help when needed. It wasn’t possible to reach out directly from Iran. So, I created a network of bloggers with whom I would consult at every step. This was absolutely important because I didn’t want to impose on the community or endanger them by taking the wrong approach and potentially triggering Iran’s regime against those who resided in the country.

In 2008 when I registered IRQO as an NGO with two silent partners, securing a reliable connection with rights organizations was my priority. But there was another reason for a strong and outspoken IRQO, and that was to bar Western media, tabloids, Gay exclusive media, and loud gay activists such as the late Doug Ireland and Peter Tatchle from grabbing at any news about the gay Middle East to create commotion and bring more harm on the community. Also, the US government used the Iranian LGBT cause as a weapon against Iran’s regime which again brought more harm than protection.

Another pressing problem was the wave of gay men and Trans Women who fled to Turkey to claim refugee status. The UNHCR wasn’t very familiar with sexual orientation, gender identity, and local cultures. Police were brutal when dealing with LGBT asylum seekers. Town folks were hostile. Rape and murder happened on numerous occasions. An organization to serve as a bridge and representative was extremely needed.

These were the main concerns for me, personally, and why I committed myself to IRQO from 2007 until 2019. During this period, we did a lot more than we had planned. Our achievements were huge. IRQO and I were trusted by the UNHCR, Amnesty, Human Rights Watch, and gay rights organizations, which helped the work we were doing. During this time, IRQO prepared several Universal Periodic Reviews to address human rights violations.

During the 15 years IRQO was active, less than a few LGBT activists in Diaspora were willing to come out and work in person. As an organization, we were constantly juggling between having both a public and underground presence. Another common obstacle we faced was that almost all members of the Iranian LGBTIAQ suffered from PTSD, prescribed drug dependency, suicidal tendencies, plus physical injuries caused by sex-adjustment surgeries. That meant colleagues and team members disappeared with symptoms for unknown periods.

It all changed in recent years and now there is many queer activists inside Iran and in Diaspora. The younger generation of queer activists are filling the gap, be it in art and literature, journalism and media, politics, and activism, and constantly raising awareness.

What are the main changes you have witnessed in the diaspora political scene these past decades?

Two changes have had an important impact, both positive and negative, on the LGBT in Turkey, Iran, Afghanistan, Iraq, Middle East, and North Africa. The first one happened in the early 2000s, when the west began to take notice of the LGBT cause in the region and used it as a weapon against local regimes. This impeded the movement in Iran but made the activities in Diaspora thrive and spread vastly and encouraged other opposition groups to open their doors to LGBT issues and figures. The second took place around the time the Iran Nuclear Deal was signed. Following that, Iran’s lobbies in the West earned strength; with new venues for more direct communications, the LGBT were quickly off the agenda for Western powers. This was almost at the same time as the Green Movement in Iran and there were crackdowns on all social movements for years to come. The regime’s quick and strong attack on the Green Movement as well as freedom of expression, press, and social media, forced the LGBT community within Iran to move out of cyberspace’s larger stage and into WhatsApp to connect in small, trusted, neighbourhood groups, for meetups and group chats. Thus, the strong public presence of Gay, Trans Women, Trans Men, and Lesbian Bloggers, who were building momentum towards an actual coming out through their virtual presence, vanished. Only in the past 2 years are the voices and words of LGBTIA+ activists gaining momentum once again.

Can we talk about a LGBT movement?

There has been no basis for a social movement in Iran in the last century. The closest Iran came to anything resembling a social construct that would leave room for a social movement was during the past 40 years of the Islamist reign in Iran, and that only meant a constant crackdown on the attempts for a social movement for rights.

In the case of LGBT, we used to call it ‘Movement’ to encourage individuals and offer hope. Even though online presence of LGBT bloggers and activists was as vast as other social groups, it was not as experienced, educated, trained, and connected. Also, the online presence didn’t extend to actual interactions between activists. The online presence itself was not consistent. Every pseudonym could disappear, and others would surface. It was difficult to establish who was behind the blogs, how long they would keep at it and when they would disappear. It was difficult to plan and execute plans. One of IRQO’s achievements was to create a steady and consistent point of contact, and a pillar for the everchanging face of blogs to reach out to. In recent years too, when Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram replaced weblogs, and with the absence of IRQO, this non-movement changed shape, faded in many ways, and lost big portions of political weight. But in exchange, individual figures who are not interested in the politicizing of the LGBTIAQ cause, have found subtle ways to take a vast space in Diaspora’s outlook, and obscurely carved a place for themselves within other social groups. We are dealing with a wildly spread and vaguely constructed LGBTIAQ body that both craves and fears determined collaboration and mutual perspectives. Aside from all other factors, one reason for this is the confusion over the huge array of increasingly growing new definitions within gender identity and sexual orientations, boundaries blurred with intersectionality, that in recent years, haven’t allowed members of the community to come together under a shared definition. It will have amazingly beautiful outcomes in the future, but in my opinion, impacted the collective efforts so far, when a sense of belonging within the community was needed.

In recent years, LGBT activity became riskier in Iran, more alienated from the mainstream and its institutions. Isolated attempts to paint the walls and bridges with the LGBTIAQ motto was linked to Israel and US, rather than the genuine bravery of isolated LGBTIAQ activist. If we talk about a more current “current”, there is going to be added hostility against the LGBTIAQ and their involvement or assumed involvement in this recent uprising for the murder of Mahsa Amini in the hands of Iranian morality police. Islamists who assumed power in 1979, took their first steps against civil society by stripping Women of civil rights, and the LGBT of their human rights. Their hostile approach was not an ideologic approach, but a tool, a weapon. They’ll need this weapon now more than ever.

  1. Poetry, activism, and selfhood

You said, “you cannot divide your life as a poet, as a person” (Poetry of witness, 2016). How did your poetry entangle with your life? Where is the place of poetry and literature in your professional and political life?

I consider poetry part of my identity. I started very early to express myself through writing poetry. Poetry was also a big part of my upbringing, like politics. If I lived in a different time and place, I might have dedicated my life, the old-fashioned way, to activism. But I would be a poet, regardless. I see the world through writing poetry. When I read my own poetry, I am reading it for the first time, and explore the world of the poem. I am the writer, and the audience, both. It’s my connection to the outside world.

My poetry allows aspects of my political life to take space within my writing. Professional and political are both secondary to poetry.

We have found that in recent years, you have also incorporated queer concepts into your poetry. What do you think of Claudia Yaghoubi[1]‘s  reading of your work, when she says you give “voice to the historically unthinkable and unspeakable issue of veiled Iranian women’s bodies and voices breaking the deafening silences concerning the multiplicity of gender identities and sexualities” (2021).

When Dr. Yaghoubi wrote the article, she hadn’t read my previous work. I published my first short story in 1995. The story and it’s vague but obvious mention of attraction between two women unleashed tremendous  anger among the Iranian community in Diaspora against me. My first collections of poetry, published from 1998 to 2003, are either full of queer erotic mentions or criticize patriarchal ceremonial interaction between male and female actors of the culture. But these books aren’t available in bookstores or online, so I don’t think she had access to them.

Roya Hakkakian described my poetry in her speech in 1999 [2]IWSF as “the first example of lesbian poetry in contemporary Farsi literature”.  In the same year, Ramin Ahmadi wrote an article his interpretation of my work as homoerotic. The Mirror, one of the poems in my second collection, The Whore Is the Savior, published in 1999, reflects a female couple making love. In my other earlier work, where there is no obvious mention of attraction or encounter between two women, the very basis of patriarchal norms is criticized, not from within its system, but rather from a queer point of view.

Queer erotic (can we call it that?) concepts are also a central part of your poetry. Could you tell us more about that?

In my early works, I used to mention the concept unconsciously. My understanding of love, love making, friendship, relationships, would shape itself with stark or subtle metaphors of same-sex interactions. I also picture the male body with female characteristics. I saw and admired feminine features in the male body and body language in my poetry. I have also criticised the constructed body and body language of Woman and Man in mainstream culture. My approach to motherhood, to my own children, to poisonous parenting methods of patriarchy, my approach to all topics is a queer approach. My understanding, admiration, descriptions, criticism, and confrontations in my poetry and fiction come from a queer perspective. I think that’s only natural, and through the years my language and perspective have become more mature, informed, and determined.

How and why was the Gilgamishan publishing house born?

A couple of months before Tehran’s International Book Festival in 2009, when writers in Iran complained about censorship and books banned by the Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance, Mehdi Hamzad, one of the leading voices in Farsi Blogestan wrote: As gay writers, we don’t even exist, and can’t even have the privilege to whine over censorship. That was the spark. So other leading bloggers in Iran and I discussed it and decided to prepare manuscripts of poetry and fiction by bloggers, and submit them for publication to Afra, one of the pioneers of Iranian publications in exile in Canada. We created the blog Iranian LGBT Book Festival on the same day of the Tehran International Book Festival with around 25 titles (http://ketabkhaneh88.blogspot.com). A year later, we decided to register a publication exclusively for the work of the LGBT. Hamseresht, the strongest voice of the time among Iranian LGBT bloggers, who came up with the idea of a digital publishing house of our own, suggested Gilgamishan for its name, referring to the first mythical gay figure, most famous among the gay community for his same-sex love affair. Gilgamishan is run and moderated by volunteers who edit, do layouts, and design covers. All works are digital and submitted to Library and Archives Canada. This, and the permanent column we published on Radio Zamaneh, a popular and well-known Farsi-language media based in the Netherlands, and  were big steps, especially because it was through these publications that we were able to transform the face of Iranian LGBT in the eye of the mainstream. Pârk-e Dâneshjoo (Students’ parc) which is a very large park in the center of Tehran, has been known as the gathering and socializing center of Iranian LGBTs for many decades, is no longer the only point of reference. Even with their pseudonyms and obscure whereabouts, these writers added to the picture of the gay, lesbian, and Trans Women and men in mainstream media and within families.

[1] Claudia Yaghoobi is a Roshan Institute Associate Professor and the director of the Center for the Middle East and Islamic Studies at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. Yaghoobi is a scholar of Iranian cultural studies, and gender and sexuality studies with a focus on the members of sexual, ethnic, and religious minoritized populations. She is the author of Transnational Culture in the Iranian Armenian Diaspora (Edinburgh UP 2023), Temporary Marriage in Iran: Gender and Body Politics in Modern Persian Literature and Film (Cambridge UP 2020), and Subjectivity in ‘Attar, Persian Sufism, and European Mysticism (Purdue UP 2017).

[2] International Conference of the Iranian Women’s Studies Foundation

 

Open Edition Journal

 

Your Body Parts Are Parts of The System

Titles

  • I’m defined by my footsteps, imaginary or otherwise
  • Your body parts are parts of the system
  • The system is the system is the system is the system
  • My Mother the Dick Breastfed me on spasmic orgasmic juices of ejaculation he did not have a use for right after

The Head is Where to Start

On the surface, I am the owner and carrier of a handful of body parts with some of which I’m more familiar, and with some, less.

The head, as a whole, I am familiar with.
The face, on the front of head, and over the head, my eyes, my nose, my mouth, lips, eyebrows, forehead – familiar. The two eyes, set side by side on the the top-section bridge of the nose; the bithches can’t look into each other’s eyeballs, that’s fact. We’ve created mirrors for that reason.

The nose is there only to sneeze, smell, sniff, and snort at times when a specific indulgence of choice is pulling hard at the senses.

There are two ears, one on each side of the head, can’t be bothered to hear each other’s ringing of the ear – I wonder why not.

Then, there is the mouth, which can’t be seen by the eyes – the importance of mirrors – but could be well heard by the ears.

The mouth is kept shut by two lips, and bursts open by an urge of the tongue.

There is a forehead on the front of the head.
It’s not assigned to do much aside from taking a beating from open palm of my hand when I am frustrated, or lean on another forehead, skin bared or veiled by an ever-reluctant mane,
to share emotions.

And yes, the skin
The skin covers all ‘round the body, keeping my innards and insides from falling down and apart and flying all over the place.

The cheeks;

Without any holes, and openings, like what eyes and ears and mouth do, they reveal a huge lot by changing color, feeling warm to the touch, guiding a teardrop downward, keeping stiff when crashing with thunderous heavy slaps.

That’s not all.

There is the neck, for example, binding the head to the rest of me. I will go on in few minutes; don’t walk away


Saghi Ghahraman

King & Dufferin Toronto 2011

From Right to The Left

…and vice versa 

Toronto is a region of neighbourhoods, every neighbourhood a different country. During the last decade & a half, wherever I moved I’ve arrived in a different Canada all over again. Thanks to colonialism, & globalization of media, neither the white shadow of main-stream Canada, and nor the bold presence of China Town have been “unfamiliar”.

The cultural shock, though, hit hard with “Writing in English”. To write in Farsi, I put my pen on the far right of the page and move towards left, whereas to write in English, my hand jerks from its usual direction of landing on the right, and drags herself to the far left, to move then towards right. There is a clash, in the middle of page, every time, when the old habit of “from right” meets the self-imposed skill of “from left”.

I wonder sometimes if it helped had I walked passed the margins, and let myself be led by the rhythm of spoken word into the patterns of the written. But here I am, still in the middle of two lines inching forward face to face, from right to the left, and vice versa.  But the confusing clash doesn’t stop on the lines I write, it involves pages and passages I read, too. And so I can not deny the fact that I’ve become philosophical since I left Iran.

Over the years I have – out of habit – opened “English” books and magazines from the right end. And so, many times before I can say ooops, and flip the book over to open it from the other side, I have gone through a page or two of the ending. Thus, I’ve known how the story ends before I get to the beginning. That is the amazing part of living here, and not there.

This dilemma to search for the right destination to write expands in to everyday life as I gradually slip away from what have been my sense of morally / politically right back then. I stand -and not voluntarily- as far from there, as I am from here.

In the absence of a home, when my body becomes the virtual shelter, when my body is the only thing still in-hand, I stand in the middle of intersecting rights & wrongs. I trace on this body lines which are not right, but are mine. I follow curves and hollows which can’t be wrong, and are mine. I stop right here, in the middle, with me. And then, as if there is nothing left to love, I love my body from every angle.


Saghi Ghahraman
This piece was published in Descant, Toronto’s Quarterly Literary Mag., 2003, when I was a guest editor there through PEN Canada’s Writers’ in Exile program.

Home aka Snap Shots  

 

1- She doesn’t remember the exact date, only that it was a weeknight, early spring, 1983; it was dark outside. She closed the door and locked it. Turned around, and quickly checked the windows across the street. Walked a block carrying her baby and a small valise. Hailed a cab.

For two straight weeks she had burned evidence in the Godin and on the stove, delivered the ash to the toilet, and flushed it down. The house was clean of evidence, but the reek of smoke was telling enough.

This smell is the only reminiscence of her home when she tries to remember home in later years. There will be times that she wishes her home was licked by a magnificent fire, a fire that wrapped round the whole thing, crumpled walls in a mad waltz of flames, transformed the people inside into the same magnificent fire. Half-burned hastily by the timid flames of a gas burner, drowned in a toilet bowl shouldn’t be anyone’s fate. But she rarely ever remembers.


2-
A spacious, elegantly furnished room in The Sheraton Hotel, called The Hotel Revolution, after the 1979 revolution in Iran. Her first room since she left her home.

 

3- Before that, she hadn’t a room of her own for five dreadful months.  Before that she had a home. The home smelled of smoke, and wet ashes when she left it.


     Even though her house was still standing, she didn’t consider it home anymore. It wasn’t safe as a home should be. She couldn’t go home, wouldn’t ever be able to sort out her stuff, pick what to keep, what to donate, what to sell.     

She stayed in her room, in the hotel. Sat on a chair by the window. Listened to the footsteps outside her door.

Footsteps didn’t register on the carpets in the corridor, she had to listen for voices. She heard them talking before she heard them pass by her door. Every time a boss-boy knocked on a door, for one precious moment she thought, there they are, there they are, they’ve found us.

But that was nothing compared to the rush of fear she had during the months staying with aunts and uncles, in that other town.
Everyone asked why are you here, dear?
But, all the while, they knew.

Because—-in those early years in the 80s, in Iran, everyone knew why someone would be running away, or in hiding – the guards of the revolution hunted for the activists of every group; the activists of every group hunted for the activists of every other group.

Her hosts wore menacing smiles. They had resentment in their voices. They demanded an answer to their “Why are you here, dear? their “What will happen to us if they find you with us?”

It was common practice to put a secret code, a little marking with spray-paint, beside the front-door of the houses where activists would be in hiding. Her hosts didn’t have to go to the guards, they could just put a mark beside their front door.

It was exhausting to hide from the informants outside and, also, the ones inside the house. She was in the company of others, all the time, under the gaze of her hosts.

4-The best thing about hotels was that she was left alone. And that there was a way out, the window. Or the balcony.

If anything happened, she could grab the baby and jump. She could drop the baby out of the window and wait for the guards to enter the room. That was her plan. She would not allow the guards to touch her baby to make her talk. That was her plan.


5-
Two weeks later, another hotel. A more modest one, by an Italian bakery. Delicious smells filled the air morning and afternoon. This room had no balcony, only a small window looking over the busy street.


6-
At the end of the week, they left, and went to another hotel. Her room was on the second floor. She said she didn’t want a second-floor room. Her husband said: “You can’t choose where you stay.”

She needed to stay on a higher floor for safety reasons. “Many husbands,” he said, “would report their wives.”

What kind of a husband would do that? She didn’t ask.

“Imagine you’re caught, and put in a jail-cell,” her husband said. “Instead of lunch, you’d be thinking of the floggings.” She was in no condition to tell him he wasn’t needed. That she didn’t want him with her when she escaped.

The next day, or the day after, he walked in and started packing up her stuff.

This time, they went to the terminal and got on a bus. For safety reasons, she wasn’t told about the details of her escape.  All she knew was that her husband was going with her.

 

7- Next time she was in a room, she was in Turkey, in a village across the border of Iran, with a family of Kurds.

She sized up the room. Her hostess was careful with her. Didn’t let her do much around the room. Kept her busy in the yard. Took her to visit other huts in the village. Only women who own a home and a family, are sharp to spot the hunger for the ownership in another woman. Her hunger was for the room, and its little corners.


8-
She became aware of the passion here: seven months after she locked up her home, and went into hiding, two months after she arrived in Turkey, hiding with the
Kurds in the village, the smugglers sent word that it was safe for her family to report to the Turks and claim refugee status.

They left the village and checked into a hotel in a town nearby and headed for the police station, as if they had just arrived.

Everything, from the ink on the pad of her forefinger – meaning she was stamped stateless – to the husband who felt an urge to enter, as if she were his home, bothered her. But she had no time to pay attention. She had a room now, in the hotel in a small town in Turkey. The room was too small.

There, she remembered everything she had learned about housekeeping. Cleaned the walls with a cloth soaked in soapy water. Cleaned the windowpane with watered-down vinegar. Washed the table, the top and the legs, and the two chairs. Washed the sheets, aired the blanket. Arranged plates, cups, cutlery on the windowsill. Arranged the storybooks, and the doll on the windowsill beside the plates.

Of course, she wanted her daughter to have a shelf for her storybooks. And she would get one, soon. There were two beds, singles, in the room. In one the husband slept. And in the other she slept with her daughter. During the day, one of the beds was for the baby to play on. On the other one she lied on her side and watched the baby. They had a burner. And two pots. It meant they could eat anytime. Food, of all the things, had become an issue wherever they went. There was never enough of it.


9-
They left that hotel three months later. With a bunch of other Iranian refugees, they were admitted to Istanbul, but once there, they didn’t stay with the others. They got a room in a very good hotel with a stunning view of the sea. They chose expensive hotels because they could hide better among the rich. But, among the rich she couldn’t hide, she looked wretched.


10-
They had a slow-cooker, inherited from a couple who’d gotten visas and left for Sweden. They were not allowed to have the cooker in their room, but, oh well. How could anyone afford eating every meal in a restaurant, even in a cheap restaurant?

This room was spacious, elegantly furnished. She divided the room into different sections. The living room, bedroom, baby’s room, kitchen.

There were two chairs of dark, green plush and a table by the window, the living room. The bedroom area was where the beds were. Baby’s room was on the big blanket on the ground, with pillows spread around to give her more comfort as she played. At the left side of the window, she had her cooking area – close to the faucets in the bathroom, and also close to the living room. She hid it in the morning before the cleaning-lady knocked.

Then there was the bathroom. She wanted to use the bathroom. It couldn’t possibly be used as a play-area. The girl could hurt her head on those faucets. Still, she could sit there herself, for a change, sometimes.

At times when her husband was sleeping, she took the baby in to the bathroom, closed the door, and let her play in the empty tub. A couple of cushions, and a blanket made it a perfect little spot. They sat opposite each other, legs splayed, and she read for her till the girl dosed off. Then she took her own book. The only thing was that she knew it by heart, now. It was the only book she had. She couldn’t read anything but Farsi.


11-
Day eight: They checked out of the hotel and went to a cottage. It belonged to a Turkish businessman, an acquaintance of the husband. They used to do business together. The businessman was nice to them, although it was clear that once outside Iran, stripped of privileges useful to the man, they looked too young, too vulnerable to be called his acquaintances. His family was nice to them, too, but only for a couple of days. Nothing could be done, though. They had to stay there for two months, or until it was arranged for them to settle in Istanbul and wait for their visa. No one could guess how long it’d take. Some refugees just kept waiting.

She didn’t care. She was tired. She was experimenting with life while others, back home, were dying. That was amazing, not happy, but amazing. For the first time, she was building bit by bit the sense of wishing for things. When everyone else went to the beach and the cottage was empty, she stayed in and pretended the upstairs balcony was hers. With her daughter, she drank tea, and ate “bread and butter” cookies.

Sex was omitted from her chores. Sometimes, when asked, she answered questions. Speaking to him was slowly falling off the list, too. They didn’t need to talk. He made decisions; she had no desire other than to leave Turkey. She wanted to go to the west where she could be protected.


12-
Two weeks before school started, their hosts went back to the city. They went back, too, and checked into a hotel, a cheap one, in Aksaray, Istanbul. She stayed up the first night. Cleaned the room. Rearranged the furniture. When it looked good and comfortable, the living room closer to the bedroom, and the baby’s stuff arranged on the windowsill, she lit a cigarette.

Her husband walked in, late one night. “How would you like to be a guest again?” he said and paced the room to the window.  “Mehmet Bey, the lawyer, said we could stay with his family. We should go.” And paced back to the bed. “We’re running out of money.” Back to the window. “I called home today,” he said, “I talked with everyone, but when my sister got on the phone, we both cried.” “We should take his offer.” And he went to bed. She envied him his talk with his sister.

In the morning, she asked: “How much does it cost?”

He said: “While you pack, I’ll call a cab.”

At Mehmet Bey’s, they didn’t have a room to themselves. Every night, two mattresses were spread for them on the living-room floor, which they piled up neatly in a corner, before breakfast.

Mehmet Bey wanted them to stay. Asman Abla, his wife, didn’t want them to stay. No particular reason, only that it was hard, really hard, to cook for seven people with a budget that hardly fed her own family. Asman Abla began to have headaches. She yelled at her kids, and they all cried. At the end of the third week, her husband said when in bed, “We should try Ankara.” And she said to Asman Abla in the morning: “We’re going to try Ankara.”

“Yes, honey, you should. Your fellow will stray otherwise,” Abla replied.


13-
In Ankara they stayed with an Iranian under-grad. They drank sweet tea in the morning. Picked the inside of the bread loaf and threw it to the birds. They missed the flat bread so perfect with every Persian dish. They speculated about Iran. They drank beer and ate salted pistachios until the late hours of the night.

The apartment was heavily occupied by the two males, her husband and their host. She just sat there, drinking beer and playing with the baby. Together they had created a game. She pretended to be a swing, or a slide, her daughter climbed on her, and slid down. Or she swung her as if on a swing. Her arms hurt. It was impossible to do anything with that apartment. The guy liked it the way it was. Didn’t want her to move the chairs around. Or change the décor a little.


14-
It took a few months, but her husband found an apartment, signed the lease. They went together and bought all the furniture they needed from Eskey Pazar, where everyday, some sold their stuff, and some bought. She saw the inside of their new apartment after they bought the furniture. A big, beautiful two-bedroom on the third floor in a neighborhood where everyone greeted her – Hello Madam Iranian.

All she needed now was to know the date of their departure. She thought about Sweden. Or Belgium. The Netherlands was an option. Canada was the best. Canada was the best. That’s what she heard from the ones already there. And she found herself vulnerable in the apartment, alone, with the husband. She needed visa badly.

Alone with him she had to make sure she wasn’t insulted, in any way. That meant she had to be vigilant, all the time, to keep her distance from him. It was a dance she would perfect during the next four years. It was safer in hotel rooms, maybe, but she hardly ever remembers anything now. Although she could tell you about the soups she learned to make while in Turkey.

She walked around in that apartment in Ankara and adored the apartment she’d have in Canada. She heard that in the winter, in Toronto, they didn’t need to walk in the snow. The streets in the Market Place had roofs and customers, getting in and out of the stores, walked in warm, heated roads. Now if the government of a country was so considerate, that government wouldn’t hurt her.

Besides, once there, she’d buy things to keep. In Turkey, when she bought stuff, she knew she’d be leaving it, when they left. She wanted to buy things to keep. To have, and then to pass on … like life in a normal time, when you pass things to your children. Anyway, she was going to buy a piano, in Canada. Now, she knew she’d have to switch from piano to guitar, but she would wait till the girl really insisted on it.

     Her husband had no respect for home, only for jobs. He was yearning for one. Sitting up all night, he searched possibilities to create a career for himself. She kept her distance. She had seen it on other women, the scars of beatings. She barred the beatings, but she couldn’t protect herself from other things. As a woman, she attracted his senses; as a person she irritated him. After years of waiting for visas, when finally they left Ankara, she was a broken wind-up doll – talking and walking at the wrong intervals.

 

Toronto She arrives in Toronto on a cold, winter night, not surprised at all to find it warm everywhere, inside the buildings.

Look, she is about to shake hands with everyone in the airport. Come on, they don’t know you’ve just arrived. It’s alright. We all know it’s common with newcomers to imagine themselves welcomed by the random, smiling passersby.

     But she is sober enough to remember, first thing in the morning, that she’s got to get a new passport for herself, with her children’s name included. It’s home here now. Her two little daughters are hers, only.


HighPark
She loves the intersection of Bloor and High Park. The four of them spend the first two months as guests of a young couple, in a junior one-bedroom, in the grey, squat building. The tiny apartment is so crowded she can do nothing to get a corner out of it. She takes the elevator to the lobby, while her children sleep, and smokes.


Dundas West
They rent a junior one-bedroom in the high-rise on the corner of Bloor and Dundas W. Their first home in the city which is theirs to keep. Still, she has her doubts. It is a cute, little apartment. They have a queen- size bed in the living room, their bed. A yellow and blue tent, IKEA stuff, is erected in the bedroom for one of the girls, a fat mattress on the ground for the other one. There is enough room to go around. Still she finds it strange to feel at home. For safety reasons she sleeps in her children’s room. Her body needs more space to feel safe enough when she gives in to sleep. By the time she finishes work in the coffee shop, collects the kids after school, takes them home on the bus, feeds them, bathes them, tucks them in, tidies up, makes sandwiches, does laundry or shops for grocery, and is ready for bed, she is so sleepy can’t even touch and talk to the house she has dreamed of for so long. But still, it’s exhilarating to think that right at this moment she is in Canada, here, nowhere else.

At times she reminds herself that there will be enough time to kiss and caress the walls and corners of her home, to give it a good scrub, and to have at least one vase of cut-flowers in the kitchen.


Victoria Park
Three months later, her family moves to a two-bedroom apartment at Victoria Park and Lawrence. Bigger, cheaper.  She gets a real chance to paint, furnish, and decorate. She tries all the corners for the best spot for the dining-table. She stops trying. It’s a perfect home. It isn’t her home. She doesn’t feel safe in the bedroom.

Still, she leaves home at dawn, goes to bed a couple of hours before dawn. She works as a cashier at the Baker’s Dozen, then as an office clerk for a small accounting office. When she gets a job as an instructor, she begins to have nightmares. You see how pale she looks?

Every time she holds the little hands of the kids in the Day Care in her hand and helps them climb the cots for their afternoon nap, she feels a rush of guilt. Her children have it hard at school. Isn’t it awful to think that this people who have given her shelter in their country, can hurt her children? It is not easy to feel at home.

It is here, in Victoria Park that she manages finally to separate from her husband.

And here, in Victoria Park her husband gets himself a job he loves. Still, she is looking for a home.


Eglinton and Don Mills
She thinks it’s a good idea to have a fresh start. She moves with her children to a two-bedroom across the road from the Science Centre. If you stand by the window in the kitchen, you can see the lights glowing round the Centre.

It’s good for the kids to go there often. Very educational. The problem is they hear crying and shouting all night long. She never meets her neighbors, but she kind of witnesses their fights. She knows they are not called fights. These are women and children who are crying. Tenants seem to be in a grave mood most of the time.

Nobody looks carefree, and happy. Parents here in the building don’t let their children play outside, unattended. Here, in this apartment she begins to wonder where she got this idea that home is supposed to taste sweet.


Finch and Leslie
When the apartment in Eglinton and Don Mills becomes too depressing, she takes her children to a Bungalow at Finch and Leslie. Her kids walk across the road to school. This is their dog taking up the whole sofa; they’ve adopted her the week before. A plum tree, a rosebush, and the overgrown grass make the backyard an unheard-of heaven. It’s here in the yard where she hears of the suicide.

Her friend jumps off the balcony, and falls flat, dead on the pavement. Well, some can’t make it. It’s here that she discovers windows of her house suck her out into the dark if she gets close to the panes. If it weren’t for her ex, her friends would help her.

He’s asked them not to, so she is encouraged to save her broken marriage. There, half-way to the front yard, she yells at him. He yells back. He gets in his car and leaves without visiting the kids. She mows the lawn. Her daughter takes snapshots from the bay window.


Kingston Rd.
 In this house she does all the fighting she can afford. Her daughters are mad at her. She promised them back in Ankara, that they’d have everything, plus a home, in Canada. Now, on the porch, as evening settles down, they tell her, as if she is blind, that they don’t have a home, that they only move from one to the next.

They don’t have much of anything, and besides, they no longer have a father. She tells the older one, “Don’t take so many pictures. We already have rolls of film.”

Then she thinks, I’ll take them to Blacks next cheque.

It is in this house that the three of them freak out with fear. Walking back from school, before the gate in the Livingston Road. two teenagers approach her children and press a gun to her daughter’s chest.

She thinks, “I’d better walk them to school. I should pick them up. I know they’re old for that. You think I should let them go on their own? So, what about the skinhead? It’s so hard to feel at home.” The social workers are Not. That is not proper English. What she means to say is that the social workers Can Not. Well, fine.

It is also here in Guildwood Village that she discovers her children are not talking.

They talk but not with her. She speaks Farsi, with bits of English. They speak English with bits of Farsi. It is as if they live in another world, if not another home.


Yong and Sheppard. 
Back streets. Who would guess it wasn’t a good neighborhood? And what is a good neighborhood anyway? See, there to the left, the lights of the Sheppard Centre, Galaxy theater, the library. Isn’t it nice? A big three-bedroom, two bathrooms, a balcony overlooking the treetops in the courtyard. Green leaves, blue sky, and a waft of weed un-winding towards her windows everyday.

Are we staying? She no longer paints the walls of every new place. Are you thinking of moving out? There is no use. Before another coat of paint is needed, we will move out.

***

“Stop looking for apartments Mom. Mom?”

Her daughter cupped her mother’s face in her hands, said, “I have my own apartment, mom. My sister has her own family. Mom?”


Saghi Ghahraman

The short story appeared in Diaspora Dialogues’ Book 1, TOK in 2006

Editor Helen Walsh, Zephyr Press

 

The Fishbowl

Well, I wouldn’t give a fuck about the New Year

But

A fat ass guy or a fat ass gal

The sort of fat cat who many have to get skinny to make room for

Had come, so fucking cocky, shoving the new year up my ass

Doing me rather badly

,

Of course,

The fat ass was more man than woman

Because,

He was wearing must    aches    and not    booo  bees

Wearing  must aches   or    having  booo  beees    makes no difference to me

What does,     is the fact of being able to be  fat ass

 ,

The fat cat pussymonger

Has

Swiped all the new years all the way out of me and you

And expects

That I

too,

Like him

Be happy go lucky for the coming of a new year

,

The whole devilish humongous mass of fat asses

In this no good bugger of a holiday

Fucked up my breath

,

Struggling for breath

or,
A soul-mate to share it with

I am

Peering into the tiny fishbowl,

Swimming with the fish

,

Like the fish    I yearn for air with my sucking lips     self kiss my self

,

My pulse beats      in my lips       like the fish

I kiss   and kiss    and kiss          the air only

,

The new year

Is

Getting

Itself

and me

In,

But

Where

Would it hand my lips to,

And my kisses,

Which slice into the teeny weeny fish bowls
.


HamSeresht, Iranian Gay Poet & Blogger 
Translated into English by Sina Gilani, Iranian Canadian Actor & Director 
The poem was published in Hamseresht’s blog, The Last Surviver of the Generation of Souldmates – his weblog was shut down by morality police in Iran in 2012 – the poet’s whereabouts is not known.

Original in Farsi

The Seconds

I wonder what’s behind your gaze

We are here to pass the moment
Here we are to conquer moments

Do not forget I am here

I’m watching you with all my might

With that fork, are you thinking of pulling out my eyes, I wonder.

What if you’ve poisoned the dish we’re having

We are here to pass the moment
Here we are to conquer moments

Have you made the bed for us?!

I wonder why the bedsheet is all red?!

What harm you’re up to do to me?!

I wonder if your belt is rather though

We are here to pass the moment
Here we are to conquer moments

The shimmering white under your shirt did not escape my glance

Do you always keep a rifle at home?!

Why the fruit knives are razor-sharp

Did you know I, too, carry a knife?!

Show me your fingernails!

Is that because you play guitar?

We are here today only to pass the moment

Here we are to conquer moments

What’s your favorite song?

Did you know I can yell quite loud

Why did you turn up the sound so high?!

So no one hear us making love?!

We are here today, by accident, to spend a few moments, only
Here we are today, by accident albite, to conquer moments

A glass of juice would be nice, after all the bustle;

What if you’ve tampered the juice?!

Are you positive you haven’t locked the frong door?!

Should I believe my eyes? Am I really leaving now?!

Wouldn’t you clutch on my neck when we say good-by?!

The moment is passed

We’ve been conquered

I am leaving

Should I be certian this cab taking me straight home?!

.
Barbod’e Shab 
Iranian poet and pioneer gay blogger
Tehran Iran 2006

Translated by Saghi Ghahraman Toronto Canada 2009

Crossdressers

Doesn’t smile

I want him to smile

I want him to lie back and smile, motionless

I want to suck on his genitals till it runs out of milk

Till he smiles, and a tear runs down the side of his left eye

He doesn’t smile

He doesn’t want me to milk him. It hurts, he says

He’s got no genitals, he says

He says I’ve rubbed him out of it;
he lies

He wants to move on top of me

He says I’m the one with genitals;

he lies

He wants me to keep still while he licks me

Close my eyes, and press my lips together

Then he wants me to open up in a form of a smile

What a change, what a change !

Patches of black hanging down the sky

Then I creep up his leg; a roach, that’s what I am

What happened to me, to me, with my big blue eyes !

I creep up his leg up up up

Patches of black
What a change in the sky.

He lies

A good erection, yes, the roach bit the penis

What a change;
I remember things

Things have changed

I remember everything

The roach crawls down slowly, feeling as tiny as a lonely ant

Orange light falls on the bed

It is an isolated room

Down on the floor is where we made love

There on the windowsill, where we sat watching neighbors’ commotion

They were loud at times, then we made love

I used to envy him for his thirsty vulva

Feeding him my forefingers I would envy his pain

He had pain; he says he still does

He says I rubbed him out of his genitals

I want him to lie back, stay still

Then,
I want to crawl up a wall

We did nothing during the night

Crying yelling shouting whining was all we did

We used the night for a stage, a crazy one

The curtain rise !       The curtain fall !

Rise !
Fall !

Rise !
Fall !

Rise !
Fall  fall   fall,  stupid !

He is beautiful, sleeping, sun rays on his body

Kisses, how many kisses

Countless kisses my lips tattooed on his skin

How completely, entirely, absolutely he is mine

I want to wear him on me

Wear him on my bones

He is a child born thousands of hours ago

In a shell, dark inside and chill

He saw me on a dirt-road; why was I purpled ?

The road ran down a valley, deep and dense

But,
why was I purpled ?

I showed him my womb     Bloody safe warm soft, ah ? I told him

He is an enchanting goddess with eyes of sapphire

Wearing sky blue sandals

With a dust of purplish silk as a gown

I want him to smile

He wants to paint me all blacks & reds

Then;
he wants to hang me on a wall, wash his brushes, and walk off

Bright sapphire smiles
Red ruby smiles

Sit back like a motionless dirty sea
Like a womb taking back his child

No,
I don’t want to hide you

No,
I don’t want to hide

Why don’t you hang me up a tree like a silly star

Yes,
of course I hear the gnawing

Yes,
I know it hurts

Yes,
I see the clouds are crumpled

I’ll wash your gown, not to worry.

I’ll wash the sheets, bloody sheets, yes.

  —

Saghi Ghahraman
Davenport Ave., Toronto 1999

Dragging my womb along

I carry womb

Womb carries child

Child carries hunger

Hunger carries pain

Pain carries hope

Hope drags us into wars hoping to catch something anything less painful than pain

War carries death

Death carries doom

Womb carries child

Child carries hunger

Hunger carries pain

Pain carries hope

Hope drags us into wars hoping to grab anything less painful than pain; except death teams up with doom and carry us away

I carry on and carry my womb along, anyway.

.

Saghi Ghahraman
Bathurst on Finch Toronto 2003